Since the new pope is from the Midwest…

>!'Thanks for waiting. I was a bit hungry." Then both of them continued their fight.!<

When I got home, they were still there!

man go

The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!" The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!" The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!" Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw." The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"

He won so many drawing matches.

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Now they're sending me threatening letters.

I said, “Just our No-Z neighbor.”

Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent. One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can. Every time you did someone a favor, or just a nice thing one of these would show up in your pocket. Tip your waiter, hold the door for someone, you’d get one of these. Ooh boy, when people figured THAT out, these things had value. Everyone was doing nice shit!! So much nice shit, eventually the market became flooded with these magical sheets of paper. Soon enough, they lost their value. And still to this day, whenever you do the right thing you’ll get one of these sheets. But, it’s just another common Curtis-E.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."